Waiting and Wanting.

So I got a letter from Kris on Thursday. It is now Sunday. I should post more and maybe I wouldn't feel as though I keep everything so bottled up but who knows. I am soooo happy I finally got a letter. It was good to hear from him. He is doing well which is good. I can't wait to get a phone call in roughly a week!!! I refuse to miss that phone call. I can't wait to hear his voice.

He is my supporter and has helped me through so much. I did not realize how much harder it is without him to talk to. Letters help but there is no response back for a while and sometimes I need that response right then and there. I have realized that my temper fuse is shorter without him. I do not like that but the stress levels of everything else do not help with the stress of wanting to hear from him and waiting to hear from him. Among other things.

I hate that I feel as though I can't just break down and cry when I want to. I don't feel as though my family understands that. I know I should probably talk to them and explain but that is something that I don't feel like I should have to explain. I miss him. I want to talk to him. I am stressed out. Therefore... I cry... explained! But that isn't always enough.

I am excited that my sister is getting married and happy for her. I do wish I could still get married before her but I know that is not possible due to the Navy and their dates for schools and everything else. So be it. But just because I do not feel like being all giddy and school girl excited over things does not mean I am jealous of her. I am sick of being told that my mom when I don't get excited and ahhhh over things. I AM NOT JEALOUS!!!! I feel as though I must scream it a thousand times to get it through sometimes being said once is not enough.

I hate having to be happy 24/7. Yes I am happy. I am happy when I am at work or doing certain things. But I have my times when I am down and would rather keep to myself. I keep my feelings to myself because I feel safer that way. I have a few that I can talk to about them but some people I can not. It doesn't matter who they are it just depends on the relationship that I have with them. I do not feel that family needs to know everything down to the last detail of my life and how I am feeling. I am not trying to keep secrets. I just don't feel the need to tell all.

I hate being so tired at times. I know that I am tired because I hate going to bed at night because that is the hardest part of the day. Its the time when I want to to nothing else but lay in bed and talk to him and tell him about my day. Like how I do not like my bridesmaids dress. I want to fall asleep to him telling me about crazy stories of what happened that day or what his scores were bowling. If I read or watch tv it keeps the missing him at bay but it keeps me up and makes me tired. Writing him at the end of the day helps some so I can somewhat feel as though I am talking to him but it comes back to the not having him respond back instantly that makes that hard as well.

I am glad that I have my sweet girl Freya. She keeps me company and knows when I need her near. I love her and am so glad that I have her and that I have my friends that are so wonderful.