Waiting.....

Sitting in the window in MaJ's room waiting. She is sleeping and snoring away.  She is currently without pain, I would hope so with as many pain killers as she was given.  I hate to say it but I hope that she goes in her sleep while she is without pain.  I do not like the waiting but I would wait another year if I had to just to keep her with us longer.  I do not want her to go but I do not want her to be in pain.  Wanting her to be happy and without pain wins over the selfishness of wanting her to stay.  Wanting her to make it to my sisters wedding and to mine some day.

Looking out of her window here on the front of the hospital I have the lights shining up on me and I can see down town and Elizabeth Avenue.  The road is wet from the sprinklers and Elizabeth looks peaceful and almost like a small town road instead of a road in a big city.  I have cried some on and off. Do not know when she will go or how I will take it.  I wish Kris were here to hold me and hug me.  I know he will be here soon and I can not wait to be able to have a hug and to just be held.  I feel all alone right now looking out at the quiet world watching a few cars drive through the valet parking round about out front.  

I do not know if Daniel or the Ms Jones lady will be downstairs in the morning.  They were always so nice helping push her to radiation and oncology appointments.  We could pull up front and as soon as Daniel saw us he would run and get a wheel chair and meet us at the car to help her get in it.  I can't help but think I wish I had more pictures of the two of us.  Ones from our trip to Pennsylvania, Amish country,  the drive to Illinois, Williamsburg, The Outer Banks, and so forth.  I regret not spending more time with her in the kitchen and learning more recipes and how to make and do things.  Not knowing some of her secrets.  I made "MaJ's chocolate chip cookies" the other day and the just weren't the same.  I guess only having these as my two main regrets at the moment is good. I may say I wish I had told her I loved her more or said thank you more but I did say those things but at the moment it doesn't seem to be enough.